Dec 31, 2017

2017 Sure Did Happen

Today is the last day of 2017. On the radio during dinner the host said that it's already 2018 in Italy and Germany. This year is almost over and where am I? I'm sitting in my bedroom, wearing my pyjamas and comfy bath robe, same pyjamas I wore to bed last night. I spent my afternoon playing LittleBigPlanet 2. I am not dressed up and I am not going out. There is no family coming over tonight, for the first time in at least seven years. And for the first time in four years, I am single.

It's not really the being single that I mind so much. It's the emptiness that comes from lack of company. It wouldn't be so bad if we had family over. At least then I could distract myself by humouring my cousin's latest dramatic stories, and telling my grandma and my uncle about my school and my interests. We had the three of them over for dinner three days ago, and got our conversations out of the way then. They decided not to come over this year. I don't know why, but I'm assuming it has something to do with my grandma's increasing fatigue.

This lack of company leaves me with too much free time to overthink. I have decided to re-frame it as simply reflecting on the past year.

The first thing I must reflect upon is, of course, the end of my four-and-a-half year relationship. Rose has come to my family's New Year's party every year from 2014-2016. They were intending to come to our party in 2013 as well, but they had that medical emergency the day before, so that year they weren't able to. This makes me feel their absence today of all days stronger than any other time.

I have definitely been feeling a certain emptiness, missing them from my life. As I mentioned in my last post they said they would quite possibly never talk to me again, and so far they have kept good on their promise. The more days pass the more I think that we truly will never speak again.

I don't think a day has passed without something tripping my memory. They were laced into every aspect of my life.

It's more of a low hum than anything. It's not a dramatic throbbing, nothing intense enough for me to chase them down with tearful eyes and beg through sobs for them to come back to me. I respect that they need space from me and quite frankly I need this space too. That doesn't stop me from feeling their absence though.

I got together with my friends from high school two days ago, and I was overjoyed to see them again, or at least the few who could make it. Weeks earlier when I'd asked in the group chat what days people were free, Rose left the group. Their absence at the get together felt like the elephant in the room, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who felt like that.

Seeing my friends was nice. The last time they planned a get together, it was in the middle of camp, so I wasn't able to make it, and instead came back from camp to see their bumbling through trying to make plans in the group chat before finally deciding on a day in late August. I hadn't seen most of them for a very long time. Everyone's splintered off to college and university, or at least moved out of our suburban home town. We talked and talked and ate pizza and played some video games. The night was over too soon.

Just the same, the end of this year snuck up on me as well. Time has passed in a pretty flat line over this holiday, if you know what I mean. Even at Christmas the day seemed to come and go like any other.

Today didn't feel different. Usually there's an excitement in the air at the idea of a new year, but today felt flat. The aforementioned loneliness is likely a strong contributor to this feeling. All of this extra time is feeding that fire as well. I suppose I could use it to reflect on other events of the year, besides the slow crash and burn of my first long-term relationship.

I realized when talking to my grandma about school that I am now officially half-way through my degree. At the end of the last school year I was upset that, unlike most of my peers, my reduced course load meant that I was not half-done my degree at the end of my second year. It feels good to be able to say that now. I have good marks in all of my courses from the last term, or at least all of the final marks I have so far (I am still missing the final grade for my statistics class, the only mark I was worried about :/ ).

I left my part time job of three-and-a-half years. That feels like centuries ago at this point, but it was indeed only six months ago that I made my exit from the art studio I taught at since I was in high school. Though I found wonderful opportunity in the summer internship for the LGBTQ+ summer camp, I have not since found employment.

Speaking of leaving jobs, I forgot to mention in my last post that my mom is officially retired! She's very happy to be done with working but her transition has been a little rocky. I didn't expect her being around so much to strain our relationship but with all this free time she has taken to badgering me incessantly about my school work and any other obligations I may have. We have had a number of conversations about how she needs to let me do my thing because I have done perfectly fine without her constantly over my shoulder in my first two years of university. We're working on it.

I guess turning 20 is a noteworthy thing. I am no longer able to call myself a teenager. I was very panicked about it at the time, but enough time had passed that now instead I am panicking about turning 21 in four and a half months. I don't have to think about that yet though, as it's still decently far away.

This is as good a segue as any into goals and plans for the new year. Turning 21 isn't exactly something I need to actively work towards, but it's certainly something that's going to happen in 2018. While in the United States this would mean being able to drink alcohol, 21 is of no such cultural importance in Canada, and I'm fairly certain it's of no other legal importance either. I already hit drinking age at 19 and that didn't mean much to me, and continues to not mean much, as I have never had any interest in drinking and don't plan to start any time soon.

I'm planning to go to a couple of conventions in 2018, and you will likely here all about them on this very blog.

My lolita wardrobe is looking comfortably full at the moment. I have a Taobao order coming in the mail, with an adjustable hoop skirt and a blouse and accessories for three different coords, but my lolita goal for the new year is to not make a single purchase. I have a comfortable variety and I don't wear it frequently enough to justify any more purchases.

I'm also still unemployed, though another goal for the new year is to find a fucking job. I'm hoping that my undercut and the two piercings I acquired in 2017 will not prove to be as much of a hindrance as I'm thinking they may be.

I do plan on applying again to work at that summer camp. This year they will be looking for a director of arts and crafts and I am beyond excited and hopeful that I will get that position. I would be happy with just being a camp counsellor too, but fuck do I ever want that arts and crafts director position. It's practically my dream job (that dream job being art therapist working with queer youth)!

Speaking of my dream job, the official title of art therapist requires a little more schooling. In 2018 I will finish my third year of school and start my fourth. I would like to keep my grade average where it is because it's in a pretty good place right now.

And looping right back to the beginning... I wouldn't mind going on a few dates, but not until I can get Rose completely out of my head. I'm in no state for it now, but hopefully by the end of next year I will at least be ready to move on.

Have a happy new year, folks. I wish you all the best in the coming turmoil, as it seems there is no political peace anywhere in the world right now, and I wish you all the best in your personal lives as well. Stay safe tonight if you're out partying, and I'll see you on the other side.

Dec 13, 2017

Twitch: A Forgotten Detail

One thing that I failed to include in my previous post is that I am streaming on Twitch now! I'm not gaming though, I'm rereading Homestuck and reading it aloud as I go, with added commentary from your truly on a range of Homestuck-relevant subjects. It is not a spoiler-free stream so proceed with caution if you're weary about spoilers but if you'd like to hear my voice say some stupid shit twice a week them my Twitch channel is thegreathomestuckreread!

A Great Many Disasters and Triumphs

Good evening to anyone who may still be reading my sporadic updates. I have had my Blogger dashboard open in my browser since the beginning of September but I didn't feel the strong hankering to journal until this moment (because let's be real, that's essentially all this blog had become). I will now update you on the following three complex subjects: my summer (and by extension my internship), the first term of my third year of university, and my romantic entanglements. I will pepper in other life updates as I see fit.

Jun 8, 2017

A Dog

A Dog

(this is what I've been up to in my game lately)

Jun 6, 2017

Big-Ass Changes, God Damn

Hello! I am back, with another ramble ready. It's been a month and a half since my last post. Let's talk.

Not much happened in April after I made that post, just a lot of loafing around and enjoying my spare time. May however, was a fucking trip.

May 4th. Star Wars day. Also the day that Rose and I broke up.