Jun 28, 2012

An Extremely Long Update Covering Several Random Topics

As the title says, this is going to be a long one, and full of bullshit at that. Continue at your own risk.

So this is my first post in at least two months or so. I have a shit ton to say. None of these paragraphs are going to be connected, but hopefully I'll be able to keep this linear. Let's get started.

On Saturday May 5th, I attended the Toronto Comic Arts Festival. To be honest, it wasn't as fun as I imagined (I went alone, my friends pulled out at the last minute) but it was still a blast. I got to meet Andrew Hussie (the creator of Homestuck). I will admit I completely froze up upon actually standing in front of him, but it was so worth derping out. I got my copy of Homestuck Book 2 signed and embossed (see pictures below). I also got a mid-blood pin set. I gave the Vriska (blue/Scorpio) and Kanaya (jade green/Virgo) pins to my two friends who couldn't make it. I kept the Terezi pin (teal/Libra) for myself and plan on giving the Nepeta pin (olive green/Leo) to a Leo friend of mine. I also went to a Homestuck draw party there, which was fun-ish, but as is usual when I end up in any actual social situation, I froze up and didn't talk half as much as I actually intended/wanted to. I did an art trade with this amazing artist and I feel bad because she gave me this glorious drawing of Roxy whilst I gave her this smudged pile of bullshit Kanaya.

Homestuck Book 2

This is what Hussie's embosser looks like.

Mid-blood pin set

Not much else eventful has happened since then. Life has been boring. Everything has been relatively boring, actually.

In other news, I am officially done with freshman year, and thank whatever fucking omniscient higher-up you believe in. I hated this year. It. Was. Terrible. My school sucked and the people sucked and I want to go back to having screaming fits with my friends every day because even that is better than sitting in a fucking corner being ignored six and a half hours a day.

Yeah, I started self-harming. Nothing too serious, not cutting (I am WAY to fucking scared to cut, but believe me, I've considered it A LOT), just digging in my nails. This is the reason my nails are currently stubs. I didn't want to get sucked into self-harm so I chopped them down to the pink. There have definitely been moments where I have regretted doing it but I know it's for the best.

I can't believe I actually once looked forward to high school. I thought it'd be a fresh start with new friends. Nope. It would just be the opportunity for me to discover I have crippling social anxiety. Yaaaaay. I'm asking my mom to transfer to the high school 15 minutes from my house. Everyone from my Pathfinders group is going there and I've been friends with some of those girls since third grade when I started GGC (Girl Guides Canada). She thinks it's a terrible idea. I keep telling her "I hate it there, don't make me go back, anywhere else is better," but she just keeps saying "I heard nothing about this all year. Why am I just hearing this now?"

Well maybe I hate talking to you about this shit. Maybe I just don't like talking to you about things I consider too personal. Maybe I'm afraid if I tell you I self-harmed for a couple weeks or I think I might have some form of minor depression or that I want to get tested for Aspergers because everyone else in this loony bin has it but you or that I think I have some serious social anxiety or anything like that, maybe I think if I tell you those things you'll judge me or you won't believe me or you'll think I'm lying or you'll blow it off or you'll overreact.

The other thing is I've been talking to Karkat about all that stuff. She has gone through exactly what I'm experiencing, so she tends to give fantastic advice and understands where I'm coming from. If she hadn't been there this school year, if we'd never met... I don't even know. For starters my arms/thighs/hips would probably be a complete mess. My mental state would probably be trash, too (though it's not like I never get into mental states where I just feel like I hate myself and I want to hack myself up).

It's a little better now that I don't need to go back to that school (hopefully ever again). The other day, we were driving around and my dad went on auto-pilot from driving my brother and I to school and missed turn when we were going shopping. He ended up just taking the exact same route he usually does to take us to school, but instead of going straight at the last set of lights, he made a right. The whole time I was having a full-blown panic attack in the back seat and all I could think was "Don't take me back there, please don't take me back there, I never want to go there again, turn around, don't take me back there, it's torture, please don't take me back there, PLEASE!"

Argh, I'm kinda drained now... That pretty much sums up everything you missed. My brain is collapsing in on itself, yaaaaaaay. I'll try to post more since it's summer but no guarantees.

Let's leave this on a happy note. I might be getting a YouTube channel soon. FUCK YES!

Yours in insanity, 

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