So I am finally finished first semester, praise Jesus. History was hell. I'm so glad it's over. I'm pretty sure I passed (I sure as hell hope I did). Now I just have to worry about science. I wasn't doing too good for a bit, but I got 100% on my CPT (culminating progress task, worth 10% of my mark) so that must have brought it up a bit. But them I went into the exam and probably fucked my mark. I had no idea what I was doing for half of the test. I ended up completely bullshitting it by doing things like putting a Wisdom of Confucius quote beside my BS answer (It does not matter how fast you go, so long as you do not stop) and answering a question about the "attitude" of an image with "sassy." I should be okay though.
In other news, I am sick. My nose won't stop dripping and if I wasn't jacked on Sinutab I'd probably be in bed writing my last will and testimony. Fucking wonderful. Hopefully I'm better by Monday, I'd like to be at school for the first day of second semester.
Now I'm going to talk about a bit of mistrust and homophobia. Let's start back at the beginning of January. Rose found this really awesome GSA set up on the next town over (it would only be a 20 minute drive though). It's basically a small support group for any LGBT person 26 and under that meets once a month in the youth center. She was super pumped about this and told me and I was like "FUCK YEAH!" The plan was, I'd go up with Rose and we'd see what it's like. I asked my mom about it and at first she said she'd need more information (I could only remember vague stuff) and the second time when I went to her with more info she said she'd "think about it." A couple days before it was supposed to go down, I pestered her again since she still hadn't given me a clear yes or no answer. The answer was no. Why, you may ask?
The reasons she had were ludicrous. She just kept saying "I don't want you to go there, anyone could walk in and out of there." (It's a walk-in event.) So of course my first thought is "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I asked her "What, do you think I'm stupid enough to walk out of there with someone?" There was a ten second pause before she said no. A ten second pause. Meaning yes, she think I'm that fucking stupid. I was livid, and I still am. She thought I was going to go and get raped or something! Because one of the oldest gay tropes is that all gay men are all rapist perverts. First of all, she got the stereotype wrong, and second of all what the actual fuck?! I would never walk out of there with ANYONE, and Rose wouldn't let me either way!
In my pissed ranting, I'd brought up the fact that I don't exactly get much support around home anyway, to which she said something along the lines of "We support you plenty." Because silently knowing and never talking about it at all totally counts as support. Yeah right.
Either way, even if they did support me, there's still some support I just can't get from them that I can only get from the gay community. Things like advice on how to come out to certain people, how to tell if someone is gay without rudely posing a blunt question, and what to do about really everything to do with dating (the whole construct of it is generally dependent on gender roles, but with two people of the same sex it's like what the fuck). This is the point I plan to pose some time near future since the next meeting is coming up soon. I still don't know exactly what it will be like though (Rose was allowed to go, but the meeting ended up being canceled due to flooding and repairs). But I am fucking determined to go to at least one meeting.
Part two of mistrust comes in the form of asking to have a sleepover. You can see where this is going. You can't blame my mom of being slightly skeptical of me wanting to have Rose over for a sleepover (she knows Rose is gay) but does she really not trust me that much? It's been a blunt no with bullshit excuses from the moment I first asked. We've been wanting to do a movie night sleepover for a while now. My mom's initial reason for saying no was "You'll have too much homework with the beginning of the new semester." She's never said no to a sleepover because of homework before, even when I've had projects due. Now she refuses to even give a reason and denies that she ever mentioned anything about homework since I came up with the solution of having a sleepover this weekend when we'll have no obligations to school due to being in between semesters. Once at dinner, I wouldn't stop interrogating her and we ended up in a stare-down for a minute straight. Ugh.
I know the real reason. She probably thinks we're going to try and have sex or something. She probably thinks Rose is my girlfriend (she isn't). Even if she was, why the fuck would I attempt anything like that with my parents right down the fucking hall?! That's just disgusting. Doing anything like that knowing that my parents are down the hall would be so wrong in so many ways. I can understand that she doesn't want to state her real reasoning because I'd get pissed, but her holding it back with the world's worst excuses is just pissing me off even more. But I think the worst part is I'm now finding out how little she trusts me. Thanks, mom.
And as a final touch, today I told my mom I was thinking of doing Rangers next year (I skipped this year, but now I really miss it). Her response was "Well, things won't be much different, meetings are only once a month." Using the same voice she used when she said no to GSA. The same voice she used when she said no to the sleepover. Wonderful.
I guess I should end this on a less whiny and more happy note. Rose has introduced me to a fabulous author, Julie Anne Peters. She's a lesbian who writes books about lesbians for lesbians. Her books are great. So far I've read Keeping You a Secret, She Loves Me She Loves Me Not, and Luna.
Finally, I found this spectacular band, Icon For Hire.
Until next time,