I am back home from summer camp, and oh what an experience it was! This year was another fabulous one, albeit with a few bumps in the road, but that is to be expected. To start, I ended up flying out earlier than August 1st. I flew up on July 26th because their second summer intern had to leave early due to mental health concerns. They called me up the evening of the 24th asking if I was able to come early and take over his duties before and after camp, to which I said fuck yes!!!!! I felt awful and couldn't wait to get the fuck out of my house and kick it into high gear for camp. I had essentially been vegetating in my room for two months and I could feel myself slipping further and further into my weird little depressive hole. I may go into more detail about the events of camp itself another time, but this post is less about the events of camp and more about how it gave me time to reflect that I couldn't get at home.
Being ripped out of my home environment and shitty routine was just what I needed to smash the reset button on my whole frame of mind. Transferring to the camp environment - where my thoughts and opinions and presence were valued, and there was always someone around to chat with or something to do - did wonders to scrub the fuzz out of my head (I still deal with brain fog of course but that's from the lupus and it'll always be around). It also gave me time to reflect on a few pieces of my life from a distance, and I had some realizations that have shifted my frame of mind and will hopefully give me some clarity in processing past events as well as my present and future.
1. I was much more upset about the break up than I thought I was.
That whole weird depressive episode? Set off by the break up. That's kind of it. I'm a little surprised I didn't realize it before, but I guess that's because some of that depressive energy was kind of already hanging around my head (for a number of reasons, including but not limited to the strike, my unemployed-ness, and my general lack of friends/regular conversation) and the break up just made it worse (a LOT worse). After that happened, I was simultaneously trying to hold myself above my feelings and intensely wallowing in them. It was a really weird limbo. I'm pretty sure I'm out of that now, though, with much thanks again to not only being completely removed from my home but also surrounded by people who care to give a listening ear. After talking it over with some of my wonderful friends/coworkers, I think I've processed the whole ordeal a lot better now and I can think through the events with a great deal more clarity.
2. The reason I am always so antsy and uncomfortable talking with new people and settling into new environments is because I am wary that I won't be respected as a non-binary person (or worse, that I would be risking my own safety by coming out).
I am a far more confidant person at camp than at home. I hold myself higher, I'm surer in my decisions, and most of all, I'm so much more comfortable talking and interacting with people. I have always been a shy person, yes, but it shows itself differently at camp, in a more approachable way, not skittish and anxious so much as reserved and thoughtful. I was thinking about this and it frustrated me to no end that I had so much trouble bringing this confidence home. I know that I am capable of all these amazing things at camp, why can't I bring that home with me?
I realized the crucial difference is that at camp, I don't have to worry that I won't be respected as a non-binary person. I don't have to be on high alert looking out for signs that maybe I shouldn't mention it to this person, or feeling like it's not worth the fight to ask for such basic respect as using my pronouns. That respect is a given at camp; as it should be in all places, but that is definitely not the case.
I hadn't realized until now how much brain space all that worrying takes up. I'm hoping that now that I know what it is, this elephant in the room holding me back, I can make a more pointed effort to quell those anxieties and put my best face forward in all situations.
3. I might be ready to move out of my parents' house.
Another thought that I'd been ruminating on was the things I would miss about the camp environment after I went home versus the things I missed about my home environment while I was at camp, and how to bring more of those camp things home with me. The biggest thing I would miss about camp was always the independence. At camp, I have a particular freedom I'm having trouble describing. I'm in the center of a community, always interacting with friends, in charge of my own laundry and cleaning my own space and controlling my own schedule. I guess when I'm home I feel like I always have to double-check things with my parents. It's nice being away from that and only answering to myself. I also wish I could be in that community physically all the time. I love where I live, but it can be isolating, especially since the majority of my friends moved far away after high school. Getting into a physical space with people takes a lot of effort, and at camp it's so effortless because we're all so close and easy to access.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that a lot of the things I would miss are things I could achieve if I moved out. Then I had the startling realization that I am finally at a point where moving out doesn't seem like a big scary monster any more! It was always something far over the horizon before, something I knew I was going to do and wanted to do someday, but not someday soon. I think I'm finally starting to feel confident enough and sure enough of myself that I'm ready for that challenge. I'm feeling more and more like I don't want to settle for my current circumstances. I'm not even terrified of moving away for school any more! Most of the viable grad school options for art therapy certification would involve me moving out of province, and that fucking terrified me before, but now it sounds kinda cool and exciting.
I know that because of money things and health things, I still won't be moving out any time soon. At the very earliest, I'll move out after I graduate from undergrad, which should be in spring 2020 if all goes according to plan. I'm glad I'm feeling good about it now though, since this year I need to be putting in the research for where I'll apply next September. I definitely would not put much effort into out of province schools if I was still scared shitless of actually going to one of them lol
That's where I stand at the moment. Camp this year has armed me with a shitload of personal growth and food for though to take into the next year! I start classes next week on the 6th. Here's hoping I can take this knowledge into practice.
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